From Russia, With Love
by lady-ribbon
Summary: My Dearest Yao-Yao, after seeing you at the meeting today, I must say, you have the cutest little ass.' Ivan, Yao, and a lot of unwanted emails. Oh yes…This is the way Russia does spam. Ivan/Yao email CRACK. R/R


**Title – **From Russia, With Love

**Summary - "**My Dearest Yao-Yao, after seeing you at the meeting today, I must say, you have the cutest little ass." Ivan, Yao, and a lot of unwanted emails. Oh yes…This is the way Russia does spam. Ivan/Yao email CRACK.

**A/N - **I have a lot of pen-pals ranging from here in the States... to Spain... to Narnia. Er…This idea was born from a funny segment in a letter from my pen-pal in Italy. Let the crack commence.

Review and tell me how much this sucks!

**UPDATE 4/21/10- ** _Thank you **Granted** for translating this story into Chinese!_

**From Russia, With Love**

**From : VodkaWorldDomination **

**Subject : Perky Butt.**

My Dearest Yao-Yao,

After seeing you at the meeting today, I must say, you have the cutest little ass. (That I claim full authority over of course!)

From your pen-pal,

Ivan

P.S,

(~^.(~-.-)~ Me + You ^.^

* * *

**From : Shinattyluvaru**

**Subject : I hate you**

You sick stalker,

Stay away from me before I attack your vital regions. By the way, a pen-pal is someone who actually _writes_ letters to someone, not just emails them.

Hatefully not-yours,

Yao

P.S,

~(x.x)~ - You

* * *

**From : VodkaWorldDomination **

**Subject : Vital Regions**

My my,

I didn't know you were that eager Yao! Guess it's always the quiet ones? KOL :}

Do you want me to send you real letters? Or would you prefer if I just dropped by your house one night? Either way it's good for me, though I do prefer the latter. (I think that red dress you wore at the meeting today would look so good on you without the pants.) I'm eagerly waiting for the invasion of Beijing.

Btw, the little face you typed was so cute ;}

Love you too,

Ivan

* * *

**From : Shinattyluvaru**

**Subject : It's NOT a dress**

It's a traditional Chinese mens shirt. Why don't you get your facts right (or is it just the vodka that's finally turned your brains into mush?)

DO NOT SEND ME REAL LETTERS. I get enough junk from everyone else about useless crap. Last time someone actually sent me a make-your-own-burgers kit. Just wait till I get my hands on that ass that caused me to get a new mailbox!!!

You're not invading Beijing. Ever.

Ever.

Ever.

Ever.

And if anyone's doing invading, it'll be ME invading MOSCOW.

Hate you too,

Yao

* * *

** From : VodkaWorldDomination **

**Subject : Getting YOUR facts straight.**

Little Yao,

It amuses me deeply to think that your tiny 5'4 body can ever top my 6'0. Well actually, you can top if you ride me. (We can try out different positions; I have a book and video that shows off some really nice moves – remind me to thank your brother Kiku for that) ^_^

You invading Moscow?

LolKol.

I'll let you lick Moscow if you like ;}

Did anyone ever tell you you look like a woman? Because it's true. (A very,very beautiful woman of course!)

Oh, tell me if I picked out the right size when you receive your gift. (I picked out the smallest they had; do you want it smaller?)

Till next time love,

Ivan

P.S Take a picture for me :)

* * *

**From : Shinattyluvaru**

**Subject : WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ARU?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?????????**

Oh GOD

I did not need that unwanted tour inside your sick, perverted mind. Is this what goes on in your head when you're doing nothing?

What kind of person actually has a manual about sex positions? It's unnatural!

And for your information, I'm 5'5 not 5'4. And I DO NOT look like a woman. Even though I have long hair. A guy can have long hair and still look like a guy!

Your Moscow can burn for all I care. Burn, burn, BURN.

I don't want your gift. I haven't opened it, and I never will.

See a psychiatrist please,

Yao

* * *

**From : VodkaWorldDomination **

**Subject : Burn baby burn.**

Hello my little uke-Yao!

Yes you are uke, you were always uke, and you will always be uke. I bet you're still a virgin too!

How cute 8]

5'5, 5'4 what's the difference? You'd still have to stand on your tippy-tosies to kiss your _Vanya_~

And it's not just the hair Yao-Yao. It's your tiny body, plump lips, long eyelashes, and round little ass ;P. All your missing is breasts! (Not that I want those anyway, your nipples are cute and pink enough 8D)

Btw, your 'Beijing' isn't that big after all. If you get my drift of course. :}

Kissy kissy,

Ivan

P.S You have to take the picture with the outfit and send it to me, otherwise my boss will wage war on you ^.^

* * *

**From : Shinattyluvaru**

**Subject : You are a stalker.**

You stalker,

Have you been spying on me or something?! And your descriptions of me were completely wrong. I'm 100% manly man and you know it. You're just jealous.

And I'm not a virgin. I lost that a long time ago. A REALLYYYYYYYYYYY long time ago.

When you were like, still _Moscovy._

So tough luck.

And I would never want to kiss you. Ever. I mean, you'd have vodka-breath.

…And who writes "tippy-tosies"…?

And for your information, 'Beijing' is big enough. It's not size that matters sicko! (Where did you get that private information anyway?)

Okay..I'll take the frickin picture only because your smelly old boss threatened me. Enjoy your sick fantasy.

Smacky smacky,

Yao

P.S Where the HELL did you get the outfit?!

* * *

**From : VodkaWorldDomination **

**Subject : THE PICTURE**

Yao, Yao, YAO

That picture is going in a special frame on my nightstand. You look so RAPEABLE.

I _knew_ I chose right when I picked out that nurse uniform.

The pink color goes really well with your blushing cheeks (how far does that blush go anyway?); the frilly mini-skirt COMPLETELY shows off your slender legs in all their long sexiness. And you look a little wobbly in your high-heels…I would of _so_ loved to see you trip cutely 8D (Did you put on the matching pink underwear?)

Oh and the nurse cap really ties it all together.

Now when I come over, we can play Doctor :]]]]] Don't worry, I'll be gentle since you're still a virgin.

Yes, I know you're still a virgin. Vodka + Yong Soo is really good da?

And I get all my other information…In various ways.

Kolkolkol

I'll come over soon ~.~

Ivan

P.S Tippy-Tosies is cute like you ^^

* * *

**From : VodkaWorldDomination **

**Subject : Almost forgot**

I saw the ending from your previous email; does that mean you want it rough? BSDM, ropes, chains, handcuffs, vibrators…I have many, many toys ;}

P.S I got the outfit from the cute store called Ukes R' Us. (They have an extensive line of uke products, and a really nice seme section too.) We should go there sometime!~

* * *

**From : Shinattyluvaru**

**Subject : O_O**

…I think I'm going to be sick.

I cannot believe you actually said I look rapeable. Was that supposed to be a compliment?!

FINE so I'm still a virgin; I don't CARE. (And no, you're not invited to invade the garden, pluck the rose or whatever other metaphor you can think about).

You can play Doctor with yourself for eternity. Go give yourself a checkup (you need one anyways).

…I'm not even going to ask why you have a collection of pleasure(?) toys. Something tells me I don't want to know.

Wow…What kind of people shop at stores called "Ukes R' Us?" God…Kiku's fetish has spread everywhere.

I really should of trained him better.

As for Yong Soo…Well, I'm going to make sure he keeps his mouth shut from now on.

Don't visit me.

Yao

P.S NO I DID NOT wear the pink underwear ew.

* * *

** From : VodkaWorldDomination **

**Subject : Tonight's Visit**

My darling Yao,

I have decided that tonight I'm going to show you my LOVE since you seem to doubt it. I've already planned the evening out (there's really no point in hiding, your Ivan will always find you ;}) so wear something nice and I'll meet you at 8:00 p.m sharp.

To tonight's rendezvous,

Ivan

P.S Would you by any chance wear the red dress again? It makes your ass look sexy ^.^

P.P.S So you were all bare under the nurse dress? Damn...

* * *

**From : Shinattyluvaru**

**Subject : WAIT**

WAIT! LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU! RESPOND WHEN YOU GET TH-

**The message has been terminated by an outside force. Please try again later.**

* * *

**From : VodkaWorldDomination  
**

**Subject : About last night**

My little sunflower,

Last night was very fun yes? You seemed a little mad when I picked you up (something about not being able to send a message) but you brightened up later! We had such a good time…Especially during the later part of the night. ;}}}}}}}

I didn't know you could be so vocal! (Not that I mind; hearing your sexy voice scream out _"More Vanyaaaa"_ is really quite arousing. And Yao, your body is truly delicious. No wonder you try to hide it. Doing it six times really wasn't enough for me, but you seemed very tired after the final round. You didn't even budge when I left this morning.

I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow then ;]

I may have gotten a little…Eager when I marked your body. Don't be mad my sweet little doll D:

From Russia, With Love

* * *

**Ribbon-** ….I suppose Yao will be bed-ridden for a long time… Oh, wait, that's a pun XDDDDDDD

I was so pissed that I wasn't allowed to include their full email addresses in this story. If you want to know, Ivan's is VodkaWorldDomination(AT)onewithrussia(DOT)com and Yao's is Shinattyluvaru(AT)madeinchina(DOT)com


End file.
